Being myself and the penalty for being myself.

I was born in a very conservative town of North East India about 21 years ago. Never really went out much out of the house or mixed with the other boys around my neighborhood. I always had a hunch that I was different, but never really thought that the price of being different is so harsh in the place I was born in. 

I grew up with my heterosexual orthodox Hindu parents who pretty much gave me whatever I asked for. Still, the relationship between myself n them just kept on fading and turning more and more vague till today. Though I lived in my parent’s home till I was 18, I had to move up north for my university education. This was the beginning of being okay with being who I am. 

But from a very early age, I always pictured myself as a pretty young GIRL who would get married to my Prince Charming someday. I had so many elementary, middle and high school crushes. I always had a particular proclivity for feminine jewelry and attires in clothing. I always forced my parents to boy me neck-wears made of pink and white beads and I used to play and wear them at that time. As I grew older, I started to see that my choices are often questioned and condemned by the mainstream society. So as a reason I was never really into sports and other mainstream masculine stuff that my relatives and parents always told me to do. I found comfort often in loneliness. and solace in the company of myself. I barely mingled with any boy or girl for that matter till that age. But in the last 2 decades I did some allies in High School. 

I came out to my very close friend in the 8th grade, and he was the first person I ever came out to and he was very okay with it. But however the gay scene in my city was much like the underground gay scene in Jeddah or Tehran. But still with that, I had my very first intimate encounter with a guy when I was probably 15. Even though with his hunky looks, he still lacked the courage to come out publicly and I barely saw or chatted with him again. But after this encounter, I started to explore more into the world of same sex love. I met many other men like, and had intimate relations with a few too. 

But I was so scared and ashamed with my true identity that I had to put on a mask when in front of the mainstream society. Even porn distributors would treat the idea of a man and a man relation with mockery. This double life went on till the time I got myself through High School.

(to be Cont….)